Tuesday, March 9, 2021

One Climb at a Time: Lisa Turtle Power

Top to bottom: Chase & Chloe, Zulily; Worthington, JCPenney; Chase & Chloe, Zulily

It's not unusual for shoes to be the first thing you see here at The Tote Trove.  But this time, they're not just about style -- they're about making strides -- while in style.  Because March is Women's History Month, and March 8 is International Women's Day.  Which, I'm aware, was yesterday (insert joke about women always being late.  What, no girl-on-girl crime, hashtag Mean Girls, when promoting gender equality?  Okay, Tina Fey, duly noted.)  A few years ago, Stephen Colbert did a bit on The Late Show about this special day, which I remember in a degree of detail because I logged it in my "Stuff to Write about Someday" Word file (most of which is flagged "do not publish until in witness protection").  Colbert was talking about a new Barbie-esque doll that was something worthy but boring, like an ambassador or a crossing guard who moonlights as an accountant.  And he was like, isn't it enough that little girls have to deal with all the issues that come with being female?  Why, in the name of proving themselves, do they have to play with lame toys too?  No one makes boys do that.  They get to play with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!  

This really resonated with me.  Because wouldn't the truly feminist move be to encourage girls to play with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles too?  Or the frilliest, glitziest Barbie?  Or whatever they want, not for the optics, but for the fun of it?  

So.  In celebration of all things shamelessly -- no, proudly -- frivolously feminine, here's a simply red (cue "Lady in Red") grouping of some of my more photogenic cosmetics.  

Body butter: The Body Shop, Zulily; Elizabeth Arden Red Door, Marshalls; Clinique lipstick: Boscov's; Mulan compact, Zulily

Note the Mulan compact, which is truly badass in terms of girls slaying it, whether on the battlefield or in the bathroom.  

Also, there's a turtle tee!  

Tee shirt, Macy's

Girls, hands off Leonardo; he's mine!  (Sorry, Tina.  I backslid into competitive mean girl mode there.)  

It isn't lost on me that the color scheme of the makeup and the tee is Red Hat Society-approved red and purple.  Because nothing says female empowerment like a posse of post-menopausal, chapeau-domed women commandeering an Applebee's.

Unless it's Lisa Turtle killing it in a  -- what else? -- red hat!

I knew I'd use those Saved by the Bell cards again.

That said, Lisa Turtle Power, although a sick pun if I do say so myself, is too close for comfort to Lisa Turtle Powers.  As in Screech Powers (Dustin Diamond, RIP).  I blame Mattel for starting it all by forcing Lisa to share a card with Screech.  It's not very Women's History Month of them, especially as the birthplace of Barbie.  I smell another comic Colbert exposé.  

Until then, sorry, Lisa.  

And, as always, Tina Fey.

Sunday, March 7, 2021

Rival Goes West: Shape Shifter Drifter

Sweater: Nine West, Kohl's

Long necklaces: So, Kohl's; Belt: Belt is Cool, Amazon

Skirt: So, Kohl's

Skirt: Wild Fable, Target

Bag: Apt. 9, Kohl's

Shape Escape Necklace

Sweater: Nine West, Kohl's

Clockwise: B Fabulous; So, Kohl's; Mixit, JCPenney; Mixit, JCPeneny; Cloud Nine, Ocean City; Delia's

Sweater: Nine West, Kohl's

Clips: Wild Fable, Target

Jeans: L'Amour by Nanette Lepore for JCPenney

Shoes: Betsey Johnson, Macy's

Top to bottom: Amrita Singh, Zulily; Mixit, JCPenney

Luv Betsey, Bocov's

This Shape Escape Necklace is the anchor of the unlikely elements of this post, namely Nine West, citrus, and Fievel.  For one thing, the necklace is teamed with one of three Nine West sweaters.  For another, it appears with a bowl of oranges.  As for the Fievel bit, you'll just have to wait.


First, Nine West.  I've long been an admirer of the beloved brand, picking up pieces over the years in places like Marshalls, ROSS, and Burlington Coat Factory, and sometimes, if on sale, Macy's.  I still remember this Nine West purple suede pouch purse that I got from Macy's back in high school.  I wish I still had it, along with my shiny purple bow purse from Delia's and my sometimes-lilac-sometimes-lavender Coolwear blouse from Macy's that changed in the light.  (Obvi, the takeaway here is that I need to keep a tighter grip on my Grimace gear.)  But back to our Nine West quest.  I was delighted when, a couple of years ago, the brand landed at Kohl's.  I stocked up on tops, skirts, shoes, and even a bag, many of which you've seen.  And along the way, I began wondering about the significance of the Nine West name.  I was pretty sure that it was a place, perhaps even a magical one.  Phoebe Buffay once said that about White Plains, NY, the birthplace of her and Rachel's new apothecary table.  So I turned to that old guru Google and found out that Nine West is the address, namely 9 West 57th St., New York, New York, where the fashion label got its start.  And I was as disappointed as Phoebe when she found out that her supposedly one-of-a-kind flea market table had been mass-produced by Pottery Barn.  Still, deep down I think I already knew that NYC was involved, even if I did insist, for some dubious reason, on believing that the West meant Wyoming or Utah. 

Now, about those oranges. This isn't my first foray into the orange orchard, although it is the first time I used fresh produce as props.  The husband's mom very generously sent us a huge crate of oranges and grapefruits for Christmas, making this staging possible.  Also, it helped ward off scurvy.

And that brings us to Fievel, that feisty cartoon mouse who, much like the American settlers, fought his way through adversity to enjoy the promised land of the West in the early '90s.  (The mouse arrived in the early '90s.  The setters made it here long before that unless you're counting the cast of Friends).  Which just goes to show that things can change when you least expect them to -- or when you most expect them to, in the case of the Nine West thing.  But wherever you roam, whether it be White Plains, Wyoming, or somewhere out there that exists only in your mind, I hope that you always feel like you're home.

And that you never have to compete with a rodent.  Or, worse yet, kill a rodent you love.

Thursday, March 4, 2021

Daffodil Frill Fits the Bill

The other day, this plant on my windowsill bloomed.  I hadn't even known what it was going to be (the husband, our resident plant guru, was the one who gave it a home).  So when I saw that it was a daffodil, my favorite flower, I was excited, so much so that I plonked a piece of blue poster board behind it and snapped away.  

Aside from loving this blossom's golden, graphic, crown-like look, I'm also into its name.  Daffodils make me think of Daffy Duck, the adjective "daffy" (a.k.a. not all there), and the store Daffy's, which may or may not have gone bankrupt.  Put them together, and you've got a ditsy duck, flower in bill, trolling for bargains.  Not a bad gig.

Also, maybe Daffy Duck is snacking on Laffy Taffy.  Because people dig candy and words that rhyme.  

And they need the sugar to fuel the shopping.

Tuesday, March 2, 2021

Corona Chronicles: Daisy Chain Gang

Top: Daisy Fay Earrings, Daisy Star Earrings 
Bottom: Daisy May Earrings

During the week, my parents watch my nephew and niece while my sister and her husband are working.  Sometimes, the kiddies like to get into my mom's costume jewelry box.  They love the variety of colors and shapes, piling on the bangles and wearing the necklaces as belts.  My mom recently mentioned that seeing all of her beloved things sometimes makes her sad because it reminds her that before the quarantine, she used to wear them out to dinner, to the movies, and on trips, back when, as she put it, she had a life.  That got me thinking about my own jewelry, not so much wearing it (because I do that here, dear blog), but about selling it because I haven't moved a piece since I closed my Etsy shop last March.  I thought about what my mom said and about what that jewelry would say if it could.  So here's what I imagine might go on in that seemingly inanimate world, starring three pairs of earrings I made last week.

"How long do you think we've been in here?" squeaked Daisy May, the rhinestones in her teardrop charms winking.  

Daisy Fay sighed.  It was a sound that had become common, if incongruous with her cheerful cherry charms.  "You know it's been almost a year." 

Daisy May slumped in the corner, resigned to yet another nap, leaving Daisy Fay to contemplate the jungle of junk jewels around her.  These brooches, bracelets, and necklaces were her friends.  She remembered when their owner, Annie, had chosen Spotty Dottie, a yellow polka dot bangle, and Rainbow Moon June, a celestial-themed charm necklace, to wear along with her own earring self out to dinner back in mid-March of 2020.  As always, Annie sang Don't Worry, Be Happy as she got ready, pausing with a little laugh to tell her husband, Danny, that the night's outing would be their last supper.  The news about the spread of COVID-19 was growing worse every day, and Annie and Danny had decided that they would have one last hurrah before quarantining.  They had feasted lavishly that night, indulging in stuffed mushrooms, mozzarella sticks, and double fudge brownie sundaes along with their surf and turf.  Daisy May had enjoyed the fanfare, shining even more brightly when the waitress complimented Annie on her earrings.  Sure, Spotty Dottie and Rainbow Moon June had bristled, bitter because no one noticed them.  But after the first week in the dark of the unopened drawer, the feud had faded because all they had was each other.  

"Do you think we'll ever come out again?" Spotty Dottie asked Daisy Fay at the end of that week.  

"I don't know," sighed Daisy Fay.  

She herself wondered if Annie might slip her through her earlobes for a Zoom meeting or even just to watch TV.  After all, wearing jewelry made Annie so happy when she went out; why couldn't it bring her the same joy when hibernating at home?  Deep down, Daisy Fay didn't think it would happen, though.  But she didn't want to admit that to Spotty Dottie -- or to herself.  Now it was nearly twelve months later, and the drawer had opened only twice, once when Annie reached for a green ring to match to a paint chip for the living room, and once to confirm that she hadn't donated a Bakelite bangle (they called her Baker Betty, on account of her origin and her considerable girth) to Goodwill because she'd been on eBay and found out it was worth two hundred dollars.  

To pass the time, Daisy Fay and the others played Truth or Dare, Never Have I Ever, and Twenty Questions.  Daisy Fay learned lots of interesting things.  For example, once when Annie's sister had borrowed Daisy May, Daisy May ripped the sister's earlobe on purpose because the sister called her cheap.  And Tiger Eye Tina, a snazzy striped ring, revealed that Annie had pinched her from the clearance tray at Macy's and wore her right out of the store.  Tiger Eye Tina erupted into giggles at the memory, exclaiming, "Now, that's what I call a five-fingered discount!"  But the biggest surprise was that Daisy Star had been brainstorming ways to escape.  "If we all link to each other," she explained, "I think we can build the momentum we need to force the drawer open."  

Everyone was quiet.  Then a small whimper rippled the silence.  It was Daisy May, her teardrop charms living up to their name.  "I used to think of us as a daisy chain, as something that brings happiness.  But now we're just a daisy chain gang, trapped here like prisoners."  

Daisy Fay started to tell Daisy May not to be so melodramatic, but when she tried to speak nothing came out.  She was tired of being the one everyone turned to, especially when she didn't have anything good to say.  Then she heard the familiar sound of wood hitting wood, only more clumsily, as if the person on the other side of the drawer didn't know what he or she was doing.  Soon a sliver of light sliced the dark like a laser.  Unintelligible gurgles replaced the wood sound, and a toddler grinned down at them.  

"Sparky!" the toddler giggled, her chubby, sticky fingers closing around Baker Betty.  

"Oh no, sweetie, not that one."  Annie delicately yet firmly extricated the vintage bauble from the toddler's grasp.  The toddler screamed, then burst into tears.  Annie plucked Bubblegum Belinda from the pile, then deposited her at the toddler's feet.  Transfixed, the toddler stopped crying and picked it up.

Under ordinary circumstances, the jewelry would cringe at the thought of being manhandled by a saliva-slicked rugrat.  But these times were anything but ordinary.  They were thrilled to be sprung from their cell, appreciated by even the most dubious of admirers.  So they cheered with all the pent-up hope of nearly three-hundred-and-sixty-five-days, releasing an exuberant roar.    

Annie cocked her head. "Did you hear something?"   

The toddler looked up at her and smiled, Bubblegum Belinda's bright pink plastic encircling her tiny wrist.  "Sparky talk!" she insisted, then dissolved into laughter.  It was the most beautiful sound that the jewelry had heard since even before the pandemic.  

"Sparky talk?  You're such a little silly!" Annie tickled the toddler, which lead to more laughter.  "Jewelry doesn't talk!  Your grandmom's hearing things."  

That made the jewelry cheer again, although this time inwardly.  They were delighted that the toddler heard them, connecting with them on a level that adults couldn't.  But they didn't want to cause a stir and risk being shoved back into captivity.  So they stifled their mirth and savored being out in the world. 

Even if, these days, the world had shrunk down to one room.  

Before I go, I'd like to point out that although this story was inspired by real events, it's fiction.  To my knowledge, none of my crafty creations have the gift of speech.  Although if I find out that they do, then I'll have to start charging more -- or less, depending on what they say.  

By the way, my mom did call her last dinner out her "last supper."  

But rest assured that she's no shoplifter.  

Saturday, February 27, 2021

Light at the End of the Funnel Neck: Shirts of Schrute


Skirt: Celebrity Pink, Macy's

Bag: Xhilaration, Target

Top: TJ Maxx

Shoes: Mix No. 6, DSW


Wrap: Amazon

Headband: Lady Arya, Zulily; Mustard bracelet: Cloud Nine, Ocean City; Brown ring: Charlotte Russe; Black bangle: Mixit, JCPenney; Yellow bangle: Silver Linings, Ocean City; Black and white bracelet: Mixit, JCPenney; Magenta ring: Express

Bag: Kohl's

Shoes: Circus by Sam Edelman, Kohl's

I thought I knew everything there was to know about The Office, but now that I'm reading The Office: The Untold Story of the Greatest Sitcom of the 2000s, I can see that I was wrong.  Written by Rolling Stone veteran Andy Greene, this comprehensive, interview-rich history of how The Office went from underdog British knock-off to one of America's most beloved shows is nothing short of pure joy.  


The Office began life as a dark comedy, and when it first aired, I, like many others, didn't like it.  But when it hit its stride in Season 2, I began to appreciate, then love it, understanding that it wasn't really about an office at all, but about the people who felt trapped inside it.  The hilarious and sometimes sad way they got through their day was a spark of hope, that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.  So, it's inspiring to read about the cast and crew experiencing the same kind of slow success as they rode the wave from obscurity to fame.  It's cool to hear how Creed (Creed Bratton) weirded his way into becoming more than an extra, or how Andy (Ed Helms) started calling Jim (John Krasinski) Big Tuna because showrunner Greg Daniels once had tuna twice in a row for lunch.  There's even stuff about the set design and camera style, which I didn't expect to like but did.  I learned that in most sitcoms, the crew curates the set to look like a painting by choosing prop and costume colors that pop and complement.  This makes sense; I can think of tons of mediocre sitcoms I've tolerated over the years just because they looked pretty.  But The Office didn't want to look like a painting.  It wanted to look like an office, a real office.  And despite my love of color, that (eventually) made sense to me too.  The Office would never have been as believable if Dunder Mifflin and the people who toiled there looked glamorous.  

Nevertheless, one piece of clothing in the series stands out.  No, it's not one of Kelly Kapoor's (Mindy Kaling) outfits, the wrap dress that Pam (Jenna Fischer) wore during the fashion show at lunch, or even Michael's (Steve Carrell) Burlington Coat Factory fur from the infamous budget surplus debacle.  It's Dwight Schrute's (Rainn Wilson) mustard dress shirts.  Dwight's shirts became so integral to his identity that he complained about not getting to wear them during his short-lived and ill-fated stint at Staples.  Dwight's signature color is fitting because mustard is kind of like Dwight himself, unpalatable at first but strangely appealing once you get to know it.  So I decided to devote this post to outfits where this warm yellow shade, well, cuts the mustard (even if in just a few drops).  Sure, these ensembles also feature un-officey looks like a bold funnel neck top and hot pink faux fur.  But in the spirit of The Office's more, ahem, workaday aesthetic, I included a version of each with a muted, nearly black-and-white filter.  

Although I don't have any Schrute loot to use as a visual aid, I do have this Dunder Mifflin snow globe and Michael magnet.  The snow globe used to be in my cubicle. 

Speaking of keeping it real wardrobe wise, here I am in, of all things, a sweat suit.  (The husband suggested I say that "I mustered the courage" to wear it.  Husband and French's, you're welcome.)  Despite having been voted least likely to wear sweatpants in eighth grade, this quarantine's got me collecting -- and living in -- loungewear.  


Sweat suit: LC Lauren Conrad, Kohl's      

Now that I work from home, I'm the one wearing mustard to the office -- not to mention any number of other unsightly things (my ratty old bathrobe, pajamas, even, on occasion, a muumuu).  And I've discovered that there's something nice about writing reports and editing documents in the comfort of my down-home duds.

Art imitates life, life imitates art.  The heart wants what it wants, and what it wants is the heart.  And the art.

It's lines like this that make me think of the mumbo-jumbo monologues of Michael Scott.  And remind me to not quit my day job.

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Saguaro and Citrus

Sweater: Kohl's; Skirt: Wild Fable, Target; Shoes: Guess, DSW; Bag: Betsey Johnson; Belt: Marshalls

Saguaro Central Necklace

When I put this outfit together, the two things that jumped out at me were the cactus necklace and the orange slice purse.  As usual, they're of the cartoonish persuasion, the kind of thing you might see covering a tween's notebook or shooting out of a gumball machine.  But then I thought about it and wondered.  What if the kitschy cactus and orange were rebranded as a sophisticated saguaro and citrus?  Saguaro & Citrus sounds like a cross between Crabtree & Evelyn and a New Age Dave & Buster's.  I can see it now:  

Do you suffer from eczema, frequent sunburns, and/or unsightly acne? Then stop what you're doing right now and order Dream Team Cream miracle moisturizer!  Lab-created by snake oil saleswomen world-renowned aestheticians Astrid and Aquarius of the groundbreaking beauty company Sagauro & Citrus, Dream Team Cream isn't just a cream -- it's a lifestyle.  Astrid hails from Santa Fe (she's the saguaro), and Aquarius is from Daytona (she's the citrus).  The two met at a Phish concert when Astrid asked Aquarius if she had any aloe for her raging sunburn.  Aquarius did not, but the two became fast friends over kombucha and a vegan pizza.  Astrid had just closed her turquoise jewelry shop after one too many customers returned a ring that turned her finger green, and Aquarius was fresh off the competitive water polo circuit.  Both had a passion for skincare, so after a series of intense dreams that may or may not have been brought on by what turned out to be more than kombucha, they enrolled in Paris's prestigious Puts the Lotion on the Skin Academy.  After ten days of intense study and experiments, they created the astonishingly effective serum now known as Dream Team Cream.  This powerhouse product not only instantly cures sunburn and acne, but also keeps your T-zone as dry as a cactus and the rest of you as dewy as an orange for that famous Florida glow. 

What vision, what drive, what innovation!  Be part of history and join the millions of women who are turning back the hands of time and sun damage with Dream Team Cream today.  Don't delay; order now for the low, low price of $49.99 (plus $5.95 shipping and handling) by calling our toll-free number or visiting our web site.  Call within the next ten minutes and receive our exclusive Buck Up and Drink Up prize pack absolutely free!  Kick up -- and moisturize -- your heels at our flagship Saguaro & Citrus spa-slash-arcade, the very first of its kind in the country!  Each prize pack includes a ride on our state-of-the-art, tons-of-fun mechanical bulldozer (so much more ethical than a mechanical bull) and a large seaweed smoothie from our award-winning organic snack bar.* 

But wait -- there's more!  Call within the next five minutes, and we'll throw in a trial-size Dream Team Cream and tumbleweed loofah, perfect for maintaining your skin's glow on the go!  Our gift to you, absolutely free!  

So come on, what are you waiting for?!  Score the complexion of your dreams with Dream Team Cream from Saguaro & Citrus.  Your skin win's just a phone call or mouse click away!  

*Smoothie ticket must be redeemed at least one hour after mechanical bulldozer ride.  Saguaro & Citrus is not responsible for post-ride injuries or hallucinogenic reactions to seaweed.

What did I tell you?  Saguaro & Citrus, class all the way.

Also, you never know what'll go down at a Phish concert.

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Top Forty, Top Five, Prepare for the Dive: Growing Up is Hard to Do

I've always wanted to read Nick Hornby's novel High Fidelity, and last week I finally did.  Although I saw the movie first, I ended up preferring the book.  Truth be told, I couldn't get through the movie, which is rare for me.  I fell asleep and woke up thinking, oh, John Cusack's still whining.  Time to switch to Curb Your Enthusiasm!  You know.  For an entirely different kind of, albeit more entertaining, whining. 

High Fidelity, for those who don't know, is the first-person account of a newly-dumped, music-obsessed, thirty-five-year-old manchild named Rob who owns a struggling record store in the '90s.  Rob spends most of his time with his two Championship Vinyl employees, dudes who are even more hopeless than he is, making fun of people who like bubblegum pop and creating top five lists of their favorite songs, albums, and Cheers episodes.  So in an effort to pinpoint how and when his love life went wrong, Rob describes his top five failed relationships in excruciating detail, casting his exes as the villains.  If this whole commitmentphobe-guy-in-his-thirties-who-loves-music-more-than-he-loves-love thing sounds like Tom Perrotta's The Wishbones, then that's because it is.  Only British and broodier -- and, to be fair, published three years earlier.  

As the story unravels, Hornby hints that Rob is an unreliable narrator, slowly acquainting us with all the reasons why these breakups may actually be his fault.  Getting to know Rob and his problems requires going on a journey with not only this one very specific and very self-absorbed man, but with men in general.  According to Rob, men don't expect women to look perfect or even to deliver mind-blowing sex.  It's just that they can't shake the thrill of meeting (and yes, sleeping with) a new woman every so often.  In other words, Rob is exasperating -- but he's also human.  And through Hornby's satiric yet sensitive eyes, he sometimes becomes sympathetic.  

It should come as no surprise, then, that despite my distaste for Rob's misogynistic behavior, there's a part of me that still kind of gets him.  Not the thing about wanting to play the field, but the thing about not wanting to lose his independence.  Because for him, independence is music.  It's the language that helps him understand the world, and I respect what it means to him:  

 " . . . sentimental music has this great way of taking you back somewhere at the same time that it takes you forward, so you feel nostalgic and hopeful all at the same time." 63

So true, Rob/Hornby, so true.  The best songs defy space and time, transporting us to a place where everything's possible.  And that, in a nutshell, describes Rob's dilemma: he's a guy who, like most of us, wants it all.  So he gives up what he's got for what he might get.  But it doesn't make him happy.  Will he ever be able to sacrifice the possibility of the polygamous past for the certainty of a monogamous future? 

Probably (no spoiler here; you know how these stories go).  Because music will always sound sweeter coming from a record player than a computer -- but you're never too old to grow up.