Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but listen to yourself!"

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself.  For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."  Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful, swept-back features, as if flying through the air.  But think again.  Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"?  I'm afraid some people may actually think that.

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pine cone?  That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save our national forests."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Sometimes I wish Marta was more loyal to me.  Like the other day.  The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield, so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE A FART in the dirt.  Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do.  She said, "Well, maybe."  Man, whose side is she on, anyway?"

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that's a documentary."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself.  Then I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves.  And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.  But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad that I'm not out in that." '

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually are experts."

Jack Handey Post of the Week

"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?"

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"I think that a hat that has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.  Then, on the way out, slam the door."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too.  Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long.  Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had.  It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it.  And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."