Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

And that's the last quote in the book.  Fitting, right?  Next Wednesday I'll begin posting quotes from Deepest Thoughts: So Deep They Squeak.  If that's not something to look forward to, then I don't know what is.

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins.  Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me.  I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial.  My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping.  "What?!  What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world it would be!"

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am not unwrapping him later." '

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other.  But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it?"

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant.  And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and live there.  But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?"

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"To us, it might look like just a rag.  But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that.  It was a flag of surrender.  And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically, that's illegal."  It might fit in with what somebody just said.  And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world.  What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair."

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)"

Jack Handey Quote of the Week

"I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling."  It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood.  I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!"