Rhyme Time Crime: Merry Christmas

Well, it's Christmas again.  Which means that it's time for revelry and reflection.  Also, murder mysteries.  Because what's cozier than a good, old-fashioned tale of who bludgeoned old St. Nick with a candlestick?  It turns out, not much.  Just yesterday, I finished reading Murder for Christmas by Francis Duncan, and earlier this month, the husband and I saw the play "Murder for Two -- The Holiday Edition" in Cape May (hence these lovely outdoor house pics).  I guess that this tradition of festive foul play started the December I got my first period.  My mom went to the library and got me a book called Mistletoe Mysteries: Tales of Yuletide Murder to read while I was in bed with cramps (insert Krampus joke here?  Nah, skip it).  Since then, Christmas and crime -- and yuletide and the crimson tide -- have been, for me, intertwined. 

As they (sort of) say down at the precinct, if you can't do the time, don't do the rhyme.  Fortunately, I always have the time.  So here's a rhyme in the form of a poem that I call Christmas with Earl.

Christmas is colorful

Christmas is bold

Christmas distracts us 

From winter's dark cold.

That's why we send cards

And buy lots of things

And smile and join in

When tone-deaf Earl sings.

It's why we drink eggnog 

And choke down fruitcake

And re-gift a Snuggie

To Earl "by mistake."

It's why we go big

Or go home with our trees

And carol for strangers

In zero degrees.

The brighter the lights,

The lighter our hearts,

The richer the cheese ball,

The louder Earl's farts.

It's all about family

And friends far and near

And spending some time

With the the ones we hold dear.

So ignite the yule log 

And give Earl a hug

And say Merry Christmas,

You batty old lug. 

Afterword: The next morning, when the family gathered for breakfast, they discovered that Earl had strangled their Elf on the Shelf with his Snuggie.  The moral of this story?  Holidays or not, just say no to unwanted house guests.  

Also, don't ever give Snuggies.  

Have a very merry -- and very Earl free -- Christmas.