If These Corns Could Talk . . .

Top row: Anne Michelle, J. C. Penney's; Mix No. 6, DSW; Mix No. 6, DSW; Betsey Johnson, Macy's; Impo, DSW; Jessica Simpson, DSW

Middle row: Qupid, Ami Clubwear; Bucco, Kohl's; Impo, DSW; Mix No. 6, DSW; Kenneth Cole Reaction, Marshalls; Two Lips Too, J. C. Penney's

Bottom row: Shoe Republica, Ami Clubwear; Nine West, Kohl's; Naughty Monkey, Zulily; Mix No. 6., DSW; Breckelle's, Ami Clubwear

. . . then I'd be all ears.  And by corns I mean the ones on your toes that you get from wearing stilettos.  (By the way, if you're wondering what corns would say, I think it'd be something like, "Thanks for being vain and giving me life!  Don't ever switch to Easy Spirits!)  I've never met a heel that I didn't like, but this quarantine has changed my favored footwear to slippers.  Also, flip flops when I take out the trash.  Yet in a strange way, not wearing my shoes makes me appreciate them even more.  Instead of being (albeit beautiful) necessities to get me from point A to point B, they've been elevated to works of art above the indignities of dirt and toe sweat.  Wearing them seems like blasphemy.  After all, parking lots are minefields of old gum, lugees, and cigarette butts.  And those are the nice ones.

Before the pandemic, I wouldn't think twice about putting on a pair of skyscrapers and traipsing all over Target.  (To be fair, I'd usually been to work first, but still, wearing heels never stopped me from shopping.)  Sometimes people (usually old ladies) would stop me and say, "How can you walk in those things?!"  I'd smile and say that I was used to it, then go on my merry way, praying that I wouldn't fall on my face.  But on the inside I was always annoyed.  Now that the most uncomfortable thing to pierce my sole is a tread-studded slipper sock, I've gained a different perspective.  Because those shoes were painful.  Maybe those ladies weren't so much catty as concerned about my arch support.

That having been said, here are some of my most striking clodhoppers for your (and, okay, my) viewing pleasure.  I love how snug they look in their happy box beds, all arranged like tarted-up tessellations.  It's tough to pick a favorite, but if pressed I'd have to go with the Impo red rainbow wedges.  Which is ironic because they're completely canvas.  I usually avoid buying sandals with any kind of fabric inside because I hate that mark your skin leaves on them (toe sweat strikes again!).  But this summer I knew I'd be wearing them for a few minutes at most just to take pictures and thought, why not?  Thanks, COVID-19! 

I've yammered on about heels enough for one post.  But am I any closer to deciding if wearing them can be rationalized away with a glib, too-glam-to-give-a damn, insert hair toss, "Beauty is pain"?  Or, is this so-called fashion statement as barbaric as foot binding in ancient China?  As much as I love giving my bunions a break, a picture's worth a thousand words.  Or, as is the case with this picture, steps.  Which is my way of saying all hail the heel.

So, here's to having your corns and eating them too.

Look out ladies of Target.  It's on.